i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
