I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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