we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
