yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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