his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
