sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
