After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
