Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
