You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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