you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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