Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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