my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
