there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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