We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
