im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
