i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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