i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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