And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
