Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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