I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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