Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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