i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
