xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
