we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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