god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the condom got lost in my hair
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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