I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
