It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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