And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
