Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
