I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
