i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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