I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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