I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize