Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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