At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
