Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
