There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize