In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
