I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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