apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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