I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize
