So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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