3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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