I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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