all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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