i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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