tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my poor anus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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