so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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