I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize