the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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