Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
