Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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