Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
3pm strippers are depressing
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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