I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
