Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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