Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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